(CNN) -- There are ways to prevent or mitigate the damage bullying can do to a child, experts stressed after nine Massachusetts teens were charged with harassment in the suicide of a 15-year-old.
"Adults can have better control if they know what to ask a child and how to ask it," said Barbara Coloroso, who has written best-sellers on parenting and how to have a healthier schooling experience.
Phoebe Prince hanged herself in her family's second-floor apartment in South Hadley in northwest Massachusetts in January, Northwestern District Attorney Elizabeth D. Scheibel said. The teen had endured three months of threatening text messages, her image was scratched out of photos, and books were knocked out of her arms.
Prince had recently moved from Ireland, officials said, and her classmates began taunting her after the girl ended a brief relationship with another teen.
The Prince case is another reminder to keep communication open and non-judgmental between teenagers and adults, experts say. Here are a few tips for parents to know whether their child is being bullied and how to handle it.
• Know that a child who is being bullied will most likely first tell a peer, then a parent and then a teacher. "Always know who your child's friends are, and if a child answers you, 'I have no friends,' that is a major red flag," said Robin D'Antona, founder of the International Bullying Prevention Association. The group organizes national conferences and conducts training and workshops on how to prevent school bullying.
• If your child confides to you that he or she is being pushed around, do not minimize, rationalize or explain away the experience, Coloroso cautioned. "Assure a child that they didn't cause the bullying; empower them," said Coloroso, who keeps a list of do's and don'ts about bullying on her site.
• Routinely ask your child whether he likes school. If a child replies that he "hates" school, go deeper for details. Does he or she hate the academics? Can he not see the board? Figure out the source of your child's attitude toward school.
• Privacy ends where your child's safety begins. Watch what your child is doing on the Web, and check his or her cell phone. If a child wants a diary, buy a book and suggest that it be stashed under their mattress, D'Antona said.
• If your family usually addresses concerns at scheduled meetings, consider giving that up for more flexible communication. Allow a child more freedom when they talk to you. Be open to talking at any time, and consider talking while driving. The child may feel less intimidated because he or she doesn't have to look directly at you.
What to do if your child is being bullied
First, focus on your child. Be supportive and gather information about the bullying.
• Never tell your child to ignore the bullying. What the child may “hear” is that you are going to ignore it. If the child were able to simply ignore it, he or she likely would not have told you about it. Often, trying to ignore bullying allows it to become more serious.
• Don’t blame the child who is being bullied. Don’t assume that your child did something to provoke the bullying. Don’t say, “What did you do to aggravate the other child?”
• Listen carefully to what your child tells you about the bullying. Ask him or her to describe who was involved and how and where each bullying episode happened.
• Learn as much as you can about the bullying tactics used, and when and where the bullying
happened. Can your child name other children or adults who may have witnessed the bullying?
• Empathize with your child. Tell him/her that bullying is wrong, not their fault, and that you are glad he or she had the courage to tell you about it. Ask your child what he or she thinks can be done to help. Assure him or her that you will think about what needs to be done and you will let him or her know what you are going to do.
• If you disagree with how your child handled the bullying situation, don’t criticize him or her.
• Do not encourage physical retaliation (“Just hit them back”) as a solution. Hitting another student is not likely to end the problem, and it could get your child suspended or expelled or escalate the situation.
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